i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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