jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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