Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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