So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
