I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
