4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
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