made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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