So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
