My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
