I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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