we're making bets on your personal life
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
