So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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