FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
