I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
