Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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