hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
