did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
