Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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