Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You are a genius and a whore.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
