You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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