My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
