I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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