I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
