Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
