i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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