Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
