I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
