It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
