I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
