I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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