just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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