I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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