so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
