Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
