My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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