Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
