i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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