I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
