I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No subtext here. People are naked.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
