i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
