GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
