So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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