Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
