dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
