if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
