it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
