I seem to have left my pride at pride
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
