hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
