I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
