This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
